Therapist Abuse: Everything You Need to Know

I can think of nothing more egregious than using your inherent power to take advantage of someone in a weakened, fragile, and vulnerable state. This is precisely what happens with therapist abuse. When I was groomed and later abused by my therapist in 2014, I thought I was the only person on the planet to experience such an abomination. In my mind, therapists were not only conscientious, they were a notch above good people. I learned the hard way that this is not always the case.

Abuse by therapists is surprisingly common. So common, in fact, the organization T.E.L.L., Therapy Exploitation Link Line, hears from 40-50,000 survivors of therapist/clergy abuse every year! One study showed that 12% of male therapists and 3% of female therapists have admitted to engaging in sexual activities with at least one patient. (Holroyd & Brodsky, 1977; Pope, Levenson & Schover, 1979)

Therapist abuse left me feeling utterly alone, so I started this website to increase awareness about this egregious form of abuse so that:

1. Survivors can find the support they need.
2. Loved ones can better support the survivors in their lives and,
3. Lawmakers can see the need for stronger legislation around abuse of power in the therapy setting.

What is Abuse of Power?

Abuse of power is abuse perpetrated by someone who holds all or most of the power in the relationship against a person who holds very little to none of the power. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, “…abuse of power is the misuse of a position of power to take unjust advantage of individuals, organizations, or governments. Abuses of power have been variously described as white-collar crime, economic crime, organizational crime, occupational crime, public corruption, organized crime, and governmental and corporate deviance. The common element of these crimes is deceit.”

What is Therapist Abuse of Power?

Therapist abuse of power occurs when a mental health professional wields their power and authority to manipulate, control, and ultimately harm those under their care or supervision. This harm comes in a variety of forms and can occur between any therapist and client regardless of gender, age, or sexual orientation. It is important to note that the abuse is not limited to sexual abuse. Many survivors experience extreme emotional manipulation, dependency, and eventual abandonment. Therapist abuse can be emotional, sexual, spiritual, psychological, financial, or a combination thereof. While therapists can hurt clients in any number of ways, the focus of this website is on the predatory therapist who willfully ensnares victims and then uses them for personal gain.

To read more on therapist abuse of power, see https://amynordhues.com/abuse-of-power-predators-and-their-pawns/

Prevalence of Therapist Abuse

In Sexual Boundary Violations: Therapeutic, Supervisory and Academic Contexts by Celenza, A., it states: “Prevalence studies consistently reveal an unacceptably high incidence rate (9-12%) of erotic contact between therapists and patients among mental health practitioners.” Celenza goes on explain that these numbers are likely much higher as this information was gathered via anonymous self-report questionnaires. She also notes that boundary issues account for most licensure complaints and a large percentage of those complaints involved sexual involvement between therapist and client.

In addition, Jan Wolberg at T.E.L.L., Therapy Exploitation Link Line, says they get 40-50,000 therapist and clergy abuse victims to their site each year.

Consent and Abuse of Power

One of the biggest misconceptions involving the abuse of adults by those in positions of power surrounds the issue of consent. Abuses of power typically play out between adults—doctors and patients, therapists and clients, pastors and congregants. And this raises the question—If a therapist engages in a sexual or emotionally intimate relationship with an adult client doesn’t that mean that the relationship was consensual? The answer is a resounding NO.

Consent can only be given in a relationship where the involved parties share the power. It is not possible for a person with little to no power to give consent to a person who holds most or all of it. Therapists and clients are no exception.

For more on consent and abuse of power, read https://amynordhues.com/hidden-abuse-when-predators-seek-out-adult-victims/

What Gives the Therapist So Much Power?

Let’s discuss some of the reasons therapists hold so much power in their relationship with clients.

Position of Authority

According to Milgram, a famous psychologist, we are taught since early childhood to be obedient to those in positions of authority. We look up to therapists and religious leaders as being those who possess wisdom, expertise, and maturity. We assume that those called to guide God’s flock or to assist those who are broken or needy are especially moral individuals. While many may be, others find these roles the perfect cover to pursue their evil schemes.

Childhood Abuse in Victims’ History

If 1 in 4 women are abused, it is safe to say that a large percentage of women seeking help/counseling have abuse in their backgrounds, and research suggests that previous abuse makes an adult susceptible to further victimization. Also, childhood sexual abuse teaches its victims that they don’t have the right to say no.

I was abused many times over my lifetime, and each time I froze and recalled thinking, “Don’t make this more uncomfortable than it already is! Act normal! Don’t stare!” Heaven forbid, we make the perpetrator feel bad for making us feel bad. Childhood abuse teaches its victims that they are not as valuable as normal people. Therefore, they don’t have the same rights as regular people do. So, when they are mistreated as adults they typically will: endure it, assume they caused it, or chalk it up as a lesson learned (accept it). They certainly don’t think they have the right to say “no” to someone with far more perceived worth, a pastor or a psychiatrist for example.

Transference and Parental Roles

Transference occurs when a client in therapy misdirects feelings onto the therapist that are meant for significant others in their lives, for example, a parent figure. Say a female enters therapy who was abused or abandoned by her father as a child. If she has a male therapist, that therapist may quickly assume the role of father figure, evoking potentially powerful emotions in the client. As a result, strong attachments can form quickly.

Ethical therapists will help clients navigate these overwhelming and sometimes confusing emotions. Abusive therapists will use this intensity to their advantage, insisting that the client’s feelings are largely about them and the bond they are forming, fostering an even greater dependency.

The clients are likely unaware of these dynamics, but therapists understand and anticipate them. They are trained to handle transference and the deluge of emotions that can accompany it. My abuser discovered my childhood void for a father and swooped in as the adoring father figure I never had. I grew insanely attached to him without understanding why. I just knew I was feeling better and that I had to keep going.

Clients’ Vulnerable State

I would suggest that people seeking counseling find themselves in a vulnerable place. Some enter therapy in a state of crisis. Regardless, exposing our deepest darkest secrets to a stranger is a daunting task and successful therapy requires us to do just that. As I mention in my memoir, Prayed Upon, it is impossible to be both guarded and vulnerable and I knew I must let my guard down if I was going to make any headway in therapy.

Therapist Abuse Comes in Two Major Forms

Therapist Abuse-Therapist as Sexual Predator

While abuse by therapists comes in many forms, I continue to see two distinct types of therapist abuse. The first is probably the one that comes to mind for most of us when someone says, “My therapist abused me” and that is sexual abuse. While not gender specific, this form of predatory therapy typically occurs when male therapists manipulate female clients with the intention of sexually assaulting them. As I mentioned earlier, many of these women have come to therapy with sexual abuse in their backgrounds already. Talk about vulnerable. This pattern of abuse usually involves a “grooming” stage whereby the predatory therapists weave a web of deception that leaves the women feeling safe, nurtured, and protected. Once the women are adequately “attached” the predators make their move.

Therapist Abuse-Therapist as Narcissistic Savior/Parent Figure

The second theme I see repeatedly in therapist abuse is that of Narcissistic Savior. These offenders can be male or female and typically plays out with the therapist acting as the doting parent to the emotionally starved client. The clients are unknowingly “groomed” in a similar fashion and become insanely attached to the therapist who seems to be the answer to all of their problems, the one person they’ve been waiting for their entire lives, the one that will finally bring them the healing they so desperately crave.

What makes these two abuse styles different is what happens next. The narcissist savior will use the insane amount of power they have accrued to manipulate clients in a variety of ways—financially, emotionally, mentally, and otherwise. Also common to this form of abuse is waiting until the clients cannot live without them and then cutting off the “supply,” whether they do this intermittently or abandon the client altogether. Either way, the damage is immense.

For more, read https://amynordhues.com/two-prominent-ways-an-abusive-therapist-harms-clients-in-therapy/

How Do Therapists Groom and Trap Their Victims?

Before therapists can abuse their clients, they must lay the groundwork. To do this they implore a complex manipulation strategy often referred to as grooming. In its simplest state, the grooming formula is this—to establish rapport and trust with the victim, to uncover victims’ unmet emotional need(s) and then attempt to fill said needs, and finally abuse that trust while holding out the victim’s newfound sense of hope and optimism as collateral.

Step 1: Uncover Potential Victims’ Voids

In therapy, this is very easy to do as clients are continually sharing their hurts and unmet needs with their therapists. Therapists acquire this valuable intel and then use it against the client, creating a custom-designed manipulation strategy tailored to each potential client/victim.

Step 2: Lovebombing/Mirroring

Once therapists have determined what the clients’ need, they can initiate the next part of their plan and that is to lovebomb or fill said needs. If the patient never had a loving father, the male therapist becomes the father they always wanted. Say the clients’ have never felt understood, the therapist pretends to be exactly like them mirroring all the same hurts and pains that befell the clients. Think: “No one has ever understood me like you do. Finally, someone gets me.”

Step 3: Gaslighting

Today, gaslighting refers to the method a perpetrator uses to confuse, disorient and disarm a potential victim.

A tactic commonly used by abusers and narcissists, the seeds of doubt are planted in the victim slowly, so the victim is hardly aware it’s happening. It can be accomplished in a variety of ways, but always with one goal in mind—to throw the victim off-kilter. Essentially, the gaslighter messes with a victim’s mind until they are so unsure of themselves that they can no longer trust their own interpretation of reality. As a result, they have no choice but to become increasingly dependent on the abuser.

Step 4: Maintain Control

Abusers will use any tactics necessary to gain and keep control over their victims. They may induce guilt with longer sessions or free sessions. They may use pity by sharing their brokenness (often exaggerated for effect). My abusive therapist told me he never felt loved and that he moved often as a child leaving him lonely. They may isolate victims by driving wedges into their significant relationships. “No one else can love you like I can. Your husband can’t give you what you need, but I can.” Another common method is threats. The therapist who harmed me threatened that “no one will believe a patient in therapy,” and “I’m good friends with the District Attorney.”

For more, read https://amynordhues.com/adult-grooming-stages-in-therapist-abuse/

Red Flags in Therapist Abuse

It would be impossible to note every red flag in abusive therapy, but here are a few that show up frequently with predatory therapists.

Dual Relationships

A therapist can not be your friend, lover, business partner, or parent. They cannot be your savior. This is the case during and after therapy. Once your therapist, always your therapist.

However, this unethical crossing of boundaries by therapists continues to be an issue. In fact, “Dual relationships form the major basis of financial losses in malpractice suits, licensing disciplinary actions, and ethics complaints against psychologists,” according to one study by Borys and Pope.

Singling a Client Out as A Favorite or Special

Telling a client they are “special” or “a favorite” is a common “playbook” move by predators. Therapists can and should care about you, but they should not single you out as being their favorite. Even when not used for ulterior means, this can have damaging effects on clients.

Stand-In Parent

Therapists may take on a parental role during therapy but the end goal should always be healing and independence for the client and NOT an unhealthy and unending dependency on the therapist. The goal is to leave therapy!

Longer or More Frequent Sessions

This can be a part of a healthy therapeutic relationship, but predatory therapists commonly implement is as a love bombing tactic.

Physical Touch

Touch can have positive therapeutic benefits if used properly and in moderation. However, just like the longer or more frequent sessions, physical touch is a powerful weapon in the grooming arsenal.

Personal Sharing

Another gray area, therapists will self-disclose to the degree that it fosters a healthy dynamic between therapist and client. Therapists certainly can’t be effective as robots. An abusive therapist, however, will use self-disclosure as another manipulative tool to ensnare their victims. For more on therapist self-disclosure, see https://amynordhues.com/therapist-self-disclosure-helpful-or-harmful-to-the-therapy-process/

False Credentials

Therapists can lose their licenses for reprehensible behavior and still practice under the guise of life coaches or other such titles. Do your due diligence.

Sudden Shift in Mood or Personality

This is common with predatory therapists who act as Narcissistic Saviors. They will be extremely over-the-top loving and nurturing for weeks or months (or more) and then suddenly go cold and sterile without explanation leaving clients feeling utterly shocked and abandoned. This may be a one-time switch or it could be intermittent with periods of extreme affection alternating with periods of cold alienation.

Initial progress followed by confusion and unease

Even in abusive therapy scenarios, the grooming stage will provide victims with a false sense of improvement or feeling better. But as time passes and red flags intensify, clients will begin to notice a nagging sense of worry or unease that they will struggle to pinpoint.

Appointments scheduled for the end of the day

Obviously, this doesn’t mean your therapist has nefarious intentions, but it is true that victims report having the last slot of the day so that when the session ends the office staff has vacated.

For more on red flags in therapy, read https://amynordhues.com/dangers-to-watch-out-for-in-abusive-therapy/

Trying to Escape an Abusive Therapist

Unless you have experienced therapist abuse firsthand, it is very challenging to grasp why victims feel trapped and find it hard to leave. Just remember that abusers won’t make their first big move against a potential victim until they believe the victim is duly attached.

Attachment

The grooming process establishes extreme dependency on the abuser. And the abuser is not all bad. They implore intermittent reinforcement or alternate between loving and hurting behaviors causing the victims to hang on during the bad times believing the “good” will be right around the corner.

Guilt

Most abusers employ the good old-fashioned guilt trip in one way or the other because guilt keeps victims bound. My abuser began giving me longer sessions and even free sessions. He also told me that it would kill him if I ever left so the thought of leaving made me feel incredibly guilty. He was hurting me, but wasn’t he helping me in the beginning? Remember, we can’t see the full picture until we are out.

Being Blamed

Adult victims know all about victim blaming. No one wants to believe that their beloved therapist or pastor is actually a wolf in sheep’s clothing. So how do they rectify that inconsistency? By blaming the victims. The fear of judgment is so great that victims may stay in abusive scenarios longer than they would otherwise. See https://amynordhues.com/finding-fault-why-we-blame-victims-and-overlook-abusers/

Damaging Repercussions

Survivors find it very hard to leave an abuser on their own. As a result, outside support is vital. But to gain support, they must tell and when they speak up they risk being blamed which could lead to the loss of marriages, jobs, and reputations. After everything they have endured already, why come forward and risk even more trauma?

Gaslighting

The gaslighting can be so intense in these abusive relationships that the victims are not able to decipher their role much less see themselves as a victim. Not understanding what is happening to them, they stay with the abuser.

Isolation

Abusers isolate their victims as part of the grooming process so that when they do become aware of the abuse they have nowhere to go. As a result, victims turn to, you guessed it, the abusers, to comfort them for the very abuse they inflicted! I can’t tell you how crazy-making it is to have one person playing the role of abuser and comforter. But it happens and is very common.

Shame

Shame silences victims and abusers know this. All sexual abuse victims are left with an inherent sense of shame, but imagine how that shame is compounded when the abuse victim is an adult!

Self-blame

Survivors of abuse will blame themselves for the abuse. As children it is a way to survive—if I am to blame my caregiver is not. As adults, we accept the blame for a variety of reasons—we should’ve known better, we were too needy, cognitive dissonance or we can’t believe this loving Christian therapist is an evil predator in disguise.

For more on trying to escape an abusive therapist, read https://amynordhues.com/why-do-victims-of-abuse-find-it-hard-to-escape-their-abuser/

Trauma Bonding and Therapist Abuse

When therapists groom and abuse clients it often leads to what is called a trauma bond. Trauma bonding occurs when unhealthy attachments form between victims and someone who is harming them. I recall being attached to my abuser even after I knew he was hurting me. It is a baffling place to find yourself. The following are some of the reasons this kind of attachment forms.

Childhood Abuse

When we have experienced abuse as children, we often gravitate towards abusive partners as adults. We do this because it feels familiar. We also choose similar life partners in an attempt to “right” the original wrongs in the childhood relationship.

Obligation

Mo Therese Hannah, Ph.D., chair and co-founder of the Battered Mothers Custody Conference, and professor of psychology at Siena College, says “trauma bonding can also occur when the victim feels a sense of obligation to the abuser. After all the “lovebombing” I’d received (which felt genuine to me at the time), I did feel an obligation to my abuser. How could I leave him after all he did for me?

Survival

Most therapist and clergy abuse victims I have spoken with tell me they stay with the abuser not because of fear for their life, as many domestic violence survivors can attest, but rather because they no longer trust that they can survive without the abuser. The lines have become so blurred that they cannot see where the abuser ends and they begin. The perpetrator who is harming them is also their lifeline.

Emotional Addiction

Trauma bonding may also resemble an addiction—not to the ugly parts of the relationship, but to the positives. When the abuser is kind to the victim, feel-good chemicals flood the brain. Our bodies hang on to those moments and continue to crave them even as the relationship sours.

Intermittent Reinforcement

Not knowing when to expect the next emotional high keeps victims in a state of perpetual craving. Abusers create this insatiable hunger by love-bombing their victims—showering them with kindness, attention, and affection. Later, these positives will become interspersed with negatives or abusive behavior, but once addicted, women will hold on, convinced good times are just around the corner.

Cognitive Dissonance

“The reason why trauma bonding can occur, adds Dr. Tholen, may also have to do with the theory of cognitive dissonance—which is when a person has one or more conflicting beliefs or behaviors that lead them to strive to alter one of the beliefs or behaviors to reduce the discomfort they’re feeling.” Once I was attached to my abusive therapist, I couldn’t make sense of the negative behaviors I was seeing. How could this kind and gentle soul be both loving and abusive? Good and evil? So I chose the persona I wanted to be true, the loving father-figure and dismissed the rest.

For more on trauma bonding in therapy, read https://amynordhues.com/trauma-bonding-and-abuse-in-the-therapeutic-setting/

What Options Do Survivors Have After Therapist Abuse?

Leaving a predator can be a daunting task, but even more difficult are the challenges survivors face upon getting out. Victims lives have been shattered leaving them unsure of how to continue living much less sort through the tangled mess of emotional damage left in its wake. Healing usually feels like an impossibility in the early days and weeks. But once survivors find their footing they might begin to think about things like reporting an abuser, but where to start? Here are some of the options available to a survivor after therapist abuse.

**IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE REPORTING AN ABUSER** 

When it comes to reporting therapist abuse (for example, you want to file both a civil complaint and a licensing complaint), the order in which you file the complaints is critical. Because of this, I would highly recommend consulting with an attorney before you go any further. Note: You must find an attorney who is trained in abuse of power. Attorneys who are not specialists in this type of abuse will likely not understand your experience and could inadvertently make hurtful comments or ask questions that could potentially compound your trauma. For attorney recommendations, see my resources page.

Post Therapist Abuse Options Include

Doing Nothing

Do what is best for you and your healing! You do not owe anyone anything. Responsibility for stopping a predator does not fall on your shoulders. But if you want to pursue justice that is okay too. There is healing to be found in standing up for yourself.

Reporting to the Licensure Board

You can file a complaint with the licensing board. You will need to determine which licensing board regulates your provider type.

Filing a Civil Malpractice Lawsuit

Reporting therapist abuse is no easy task, and I’ll tell you my civil suit took 3 long years to resolve. While there is some frustration in the waiting and some discomfort along the way, seeing it to the end brought a great sense of accomplishment. It was healing to believe in myself enough to fight back. Just know that while it brings some semblance of justice, it does not bring you the complete sense of healing you need. It is only a piece of the healing puzzle.

Pressing Criminal Charges

Unfortunately, while therapist abuse is unethical in all of our states, only a little over half of our states consider it a crime. Filing criminal charges would be a big undertaking anywhere, but it certainly would be a bad idea in a state that does not have criminal legislation against it. It is also important to note that most of this criminal legislation refers to therapist abuse that is sexual in nature. For more, see https://amynordhues.com/is-it-illegal-for-a-therapist-to-sleep-with-a-patient/

Going to the Press/Media

One of the survivors of my abuser went to the local newspaper and the next morning his face was on the front page. While it felt good to see the story on the front page, it was also triggering because of the way they covered the story. Media is all about shock value. They do not always have the victims’ interests at heart.

Leave Reviews on Various Websites

My abusive therapist was a doctor/psychiatrist so there were many websites online where patients can post reviews. This is another way to make your voice heard and warn other potential victims.

Is Therapist Abuse a Crime?

In other words, is it illegal for a therapist to sleep with a patient? The answer: It depends on where you live. About 32 states in the U.S. currently have criminal legislation against therapist abuse or therapist sexual involvement with a patient. So while it is always unethical for a therapist to engage a client in sexual activity, it is only against the law in a little over half our states.

Michael Kocet, the ACA Ethical Code Revision Task Force Chair states, “The 2005 ACA Code of Ethics continues to recognize the harm that can be impacted upon clients when they are sexually intimate with their counselor. The counseling relationship is one based on trust, so we must respect the power differential inherent in any counseling relationship regardless of the counselor’s theoretical orientation or perspective. Engaging in any type of sexual or intimate relationship with a current client is abuse of power. Clients come into counseling emotionally and psychologically vulnerable and in need of assistance, so a counselor trying to engage in such relationships would be trying to take advantage of that client and their vulnerabilities to meet their own needs.”

Damage Caused By Therapist Abuse

The harm done to victims of therapist abuse, regardless of the type of abuse, is immense. Every survivor is unique and therefore will express their trauma in different ways, but what doesn’t vary is the fact that 100% of therapy abuse victims are harmed. It is also important to note that many therapist abuse studies such as the one below only look at sexual violations in therapy, but sexual contact is only one way therapists can hurt clients. In my experience and that of many other victims, extreme trauma results whether the therapist abuse is sexual, emotional, psychological, spiritual or a combination thereof.

Pope and Vetter published a national study of 958 patients who had been sexually involved with a therapist and here is what they found:

• 90% of clients sexually abused by therapists were harmed
• 80% are harmed when the sexual involvement begins only after termination of therapy
• About 11% required hospitalization
• 14% attempted suicide
• 1% committed suicide
• and only 17% of those who were harmed were reported to have recovered completely

To read more about the damage therapist abuse does to a client, read https://amynordhues.com/what-choices-remain-after-being-robbed-by-sexual-abuse/

Healing from Therapist Abuse

When we are sexually assaulted, sexually abused, or violated in any way by a person we should be able to trust, we are robbed to our core. Whether we were physically raped or not, therapist abuse acts as a rape of our soul. We don’t just lose external things such as friends, communities, and jobs, we lose crucial internal things, as well—our very sense of self, sense of safety, and sense of belonging. Some of us feel robbed of our God-given right to exist and take up space. We feel forever defective, forever marred. Healing is possible, but for me it was years in the making.

What Do Therapist Abuse Victims Need to Heal

• To know we aren’t alone
• To understand what happened to us
• For some of us, it is finding and working with an ethical therapist
• To be patient with ourselves as we try to process the horrors we experienced
• To stop blaming ourselves (you cannot be both a victim and a participant in a crime committed against you!)
• For some of us, it helps us to forgive our abusers (but we never forget)
• For some, healing comes in part from seeking some form of justice
• For some, leaning on our faith brings healing

Stages of Healing from Therapist Abuse

These are some of the stages I moved through on my healing journey after abuse by a therapist/church elder. I am a Christian so some of these steps may not apply to you, but they can certainly be modified to fit your unique journey.

Step 1: Tell Someone You Trust and Keep Telling Until You Are Heard

The first person I told about the abuse took the abuser’s side leaving me crushed and alone. As a result, I returned to the abuser. In time, I found the courage to tell again, and this time I was believed. Keep speaking out!

Step 2: Reach out to Someone Who Gets It

You need to find someone who understands abuse of power. When a therapist or pastor engages in a sexual relationship with a client or congregant, it is always abuse. Not a mutual affair. Be careful who you share your story with. You have endured enough heartache already.

Step 3: Seek Professional Help (if that is right for you)

For many of us, finding and working with an ethical therapist after being harmed by an abusive one brings great healing. Again, some therapists will be more skilled in the area of abuse of power than others, but ALL therapists know that sleeping with a client is a huge ethics violation. Find one who can support you.

Step 4: Consider Reporting But be Aware of its Stressors

After my abuse, I filed a complaint with the Medical Board as my therapist was also a psychiatrist. Later, I pursued a medical malpractice lawsuit. While both brought me a level of healing, they were not without their stressors. Find an attorney skilled in abuse of power before making any major decisions. A good attorney can make all the difference.

Step 5: Have Grace and Patience for Yourself as You Heal

I thought my healing was taking forever! But I’ve since learned that healing takes as long as it takes. The level of betrayal we experienced by these predatory therapists was immense and it takes a long time to sort through it and come out on the other side. Healing is possible, but grace yourself for how long it takes, and don’t compare your journey with anyone else’s!

Step 6: Refuse to Cower in Shame

It took months, maybe years for the sense of shame to leave me after I was harmed by an abusive therapist. Why? Because I stayed even after I knew he was hurting me. Worse, I thought my brokenness or my neediness caused it to happen. Now I know that I was a victim who encountered a predator and nothing more.

Step 7: Walk Away from Old Triggers/Unhealthy People and Places

Unfortunately, I had to leave my church, some of my friends, and my support group after the abuse. They were simply too triggering for me. Don’t let pride keep you in an environment that no longer serves you. You and your healing deserve first priority.

Step 8: Do Not Feel Obligated to Defend or Explain

I thought I owed an explanation to everyone who looked at me the wrong way. I wanted people to understand so they would see that the abuse was not my fault. That I didn’t want what happened. But guess what? Victims of crimes do not owe explanations about the crime that was committed against them! And most people won’t get it anyway. So resist the urge to defend or explain.

Step 9: If You Are a Believer, Cling to Scripture

For me, clinging to certain scriptures brought me relief. I especially loved Ex 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” and Ps 37:6 “He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.”

Step 10: Make a Conscious Decision to Forgive Both Yourself and Those Who Wronged You

This is a controversial step, to say the least. First and foremost, we deserve forgiveness for any role we think we played in the abuse. We were 100% victimized. Period. For me, forgiving my abuser was also beneficial. I told God I needed His help to forgive the abuser and He walked me through it. I could not have done it in my own strength. The forgiveness was for me and me alone and allowed me to be free of the anger, hurt and bitterness. This perpetrator wasn’t going to take any more from me than he already had.

Step 11: Educate Yourself on What You Went Through

It was difficult for me to forgive myself partly because I didn’t understand abuse of power and its intricacies. Sharing my story and writing out my story and seeing the manipulation unfold on the page helped me to grasp that I was taken advantage of and victimized. It also helped me to hear others’ experiences and see the abuse through their lens. See a list of recommended reading here.

Step 12: If Necessary, Face Your Anger Towards God

As Christians, we can get stuck in this stage. Thankfully, I understood that God did not abuse me and that because of free will and the evil in our world, we are all at risk of falling prey to evil people and situations. I was angry, yes, but God was not the reason. If you are angry with God, tell Him about it. He wants to help you through it. And just know that He is outraged by what was done to you.

Step 13: Recognize That Triggers Are Not Setbacks

Every time I was triggered, seeing an older man or a white SUV, for example, I beat myself up thinking I was back-sliding in my healing. A wise therapist reminded me that triggers are merely the brain’s automatic response to protect us from danger. They will come and go over our lifetime, and they are certainly not setbacks.

Step 15: Address the Negative Self-Tapes/Self-Hatred

As I watched myself being manipulated by a sexual predator, I recognized some old tapes that were still playing in my head, tapes that formed in early childhood after my first abuser took advantage of me. One such tape was: “As a defective person, you are not able to accurately assess a situation because your judgment is flawed. Simply trust the more valued, higher ranking person.” It is imperative that we recognize these tapes and eradicate them. Otherwise, we are walking around with targets on our backs that are easily spotted by skilled predators.

Step 17: Create a New Set of Rules/Tapes Based on Who You Really Are (Not who the world says you are)

Rewrite your negative tapes! As a Christian, I did this with scripture, but you can speak life into yourself regardless of your faith. You are loved. You have value. You have as much worth as anyone else and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

Step 18: Have Patience as You Find Your New Tribe/Mission

Again, I felt like I should be getting over it sooner, and I thought I should be able to rebuild my life faster. This kind of trauma destroys our lives. It takes time and effort to heal and learn to trust again. Find people who support your experience and walk away from those who don’t.

How Do I Help a Loved One Who Experienced Therapist Abuse?

What Therapist Abuse Survivors Need You to Know

1. We need you to know that abuse by therapists/clergy happens. It is not a rare occurrence, and it is not unique to us.
2. We want you to know that we are not weak, gullible, needy individuals. We are healthy, successful, educated men and women who turned to someone who we believed was wiser than ourselves for guidance.
3. We are not over-sexualized men or women who seduced our counselors. 
4. We need you to know that the damage that the abuser caused us is enormous.
5. We need you to understand that it was 100% abuse. There are zero positives to be gleaned from the experience, so please don’t suggest we find some.
6. There will be triggers, out of our control, that last a lifetime.
7. We want you to know that we were victims of a crime.
8. We need you to understand our hesitancy to report the abuse. Reporting has definite healing benefits but also carries substantial risk.
9. We want you to realize that you, as friends and family of a victim, are “secondary” victims.

What Therapist Abuse Survivors Need You to Do

1. We need you to be patient with us as we move through the healing process.
2. We need you to understand that it was more than sexual assault.
3. We need you to help us see the abuse for what it really was. We need to realize that we were never special. We must dispel this myth for healing to begin.
4. We need to tell our stories, and we need you to hear us without judgment.
5. We need you to remind us that the chains our abusers used to restrain us were not of the physical sort but were every bit as powerful and effective at holding us captive.
6. We need you to be sensitive to our feelings when you make snap judgments about other victims who come forward.
7. We need you to be honest with us if you feel overwhelmed by our emotions.
8. If we are Christian we need you to point us towards Jesus as our ultimate source of healing.

Therapist Abuse Survivor Stories

To hear my story of therapist abuse in its entirety, click here to purchase Prayed Upon: Breaking Free from Therapist Abuse (Available in paperback, ebook, audiobook and Free on Kindle Unlimited) OR to read about my abuser in the media click here.

The Case of Zoe and Betty

The Case of Kim and Pastor X

See my resources page, for a wealth of material on therapist/clergy abuse that may help you on your journey. For those of you who have experienced this abuse first-hand, I am deeply sorry and I want you to know that you are not alone and that it was not your fault.