Why Abuse Victims Blame Themselves and How to Break Free

Abuse Victims Blame Themselves

I need to confess something…I wrote my book and started this blog for many reasons, but one of the main reasons was to let other sexual abuse survivors know that they are not to blame. Because if there is one thing I know it is that sexual abuse victims blame themselves.

It started early last week. I got some feedback on my blog that I interpreted as negative. I took it to heart and stewed on it. A people pleaser, I couldn’t let it go. Later in the week, my husband seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Oh, I just got triggered reading your blog.”

You see, I had recently been taken advantage of by my therapist and started a website to shed light on this horrific kind of abuse of power. My abuser was a psychiatrist and an elder at my church. He came highly recommended so when I started seeing him for counseling in 2013, I believed I was in good hands. I had no idea that he was grooming me. I had no idea adults could be groomed. About a year in, I found myself trauma bonded to him—I knew he was hurting me, yet I could not walk away. When I told my husband about the abuse, he initially treated it as a mutual affair. I was crushed.

“What? So you are blaming me for the abuse?! That isn’t fair!” Calmly, he said he was not blaming me. “Then you’re mad at the doctor?” He said that wasn’t it either. “So it is me then!” “I don’t want to have this conversation right now,” he said. Of course, I thought, because you think it was all my fault and you are mad at me and it’s not fair because you know I didn’t want any of what happened and no one will ever believe me and I knew it and I’m cursed with this stigma for the rest of my life…

I never did understand what set him off, but I didn’t need to. If there is one thing I excel at it’s taking the blame. And I took all of it. 100% of the blame for his upset feelings and for what happened to me in that doctor’s office that allowed his feelings to be re-triggered.

The Blame Leads to Depression

I sank into depression. Every day seemed to lose a little bit more color as if the life-force was slowly draining out of me. “This is exactly why victims of therapist/clergy abuse don’t come forward,” I told my best friend. We are never truly believed. Our loved ones may say they believe us. But do they really? It was a scarlet letter I would have to carry for the rest of my life. It’s so unfair.

Abuse victims blame themselves and this only compounds the far-reaching trauma. I understand why so many victims keep their secret or worse, take their lives. The victim first must suffer through the pain of the original betrayal, of being used, of being sexually assaulted. Then they must swallow the bitter pill that the perpetrators never cared about them. They have to admit that they were, at best, a pawn in a sinister game, being played by a person they believed loved them and would never hurt them.

On top of that, abuse victims think the abuse was their fault! If they are able to survive the initial betrayal and trauma, they still have a crushing amount of shame and self-contempt waiting for them. Why did they stay? What held them there? How did they not see this coming? See a previous blog post for more on the subject of shame. https://amynordhues.com/why-didnt-you-just-leave-the-single-most-shaming-question-you-can-ask-a-victim-of-abuse/

Judgement is Unavoidable

Once the victims get away from the abuser, they may reach out to someone for help. Maybe they will decide to report the abuse to the authorities or regulatory boards. When they do, they will likely face judgement, whether outright or subtle, possibly glances or whispers as they pass through a crowd. They may have to leave their circle of friends because the crowd will be split—some people will side with them and some the abusers. They may have to leave their churches, their towns, their jobs.

But that’s not the worst of it. The entire world could shout from the rooftops that they are not to blame. God could have forgiven them a hundredfold. Even then, abuse victims blame themselves. Their inner critic may never be convinced that they were not at least partly to blame. They may always hold themselves accountable to some degree. And it is a daily reminder of their deepest fear—they are defective and that is why they were assaulted.

Self-Hatred Always Ensues

That critic held me captive for an entire week. She mocked me and blamed me and hurled insults at me. And then last night I had a follow up conversation with my husband about his feelings regarding my blog. “Yeah, that had nothing to do with you,” he said, “actually, nothing about your abuse at all.” “What?” “Yeah, I was just playing some of my old tapes. It was just my own stuff coming up that I needed to deal with.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “You wouldn’t give me a chance,” he replied.

I sat still letting that information make a few laps around my brain. He’s right. I couldn’t believe it. I’d been tormented all week by what I assumed he was thinking. He doesn’t even blame me. I do. Oh no. This goes against everything I stand for—the reasons for my book, my blog.

After my husband fell asleep, I stared at the ceiling pondering this new revelation. How quick I was to accept his pain as my fault. How quick I was to get defensive.

How Did I Get Here?

I was still accepting the blame. The blame I told other survivors to reject under any circumstances. The blame I thought I’d ditched long before. I had taken it back. When had I taken it back?

How quickly Satan was able to drag me to his lair before I even knew what was happening. I’d decided to give it all up—my book, my blog, my ministry, just like that. I succumbed to all the lies Satan would have me believe, the lies he is constantly chanting in our ears, lies that if not challenged immediately with the Word of God have a way of becoming reality, a new normal.

Oh God, I’m so sorry I lost sight of You. In an instant, I forgot the truth. The truths You’ve taught me about who I am. I’ve clearly been walking ahead of You. I know now that I need to get back into scripture, back to meditating on who You tell me I am, back to spending quality time in Your presence.

Seeing Myself Through God’s Eyes

I recalled how I did this years ago, how I trained myself to believe who I was in Christ. When I was able to get away from my abuser back in July 2014, my healing hinged on the answer to this one question…Is there something damaged in me that allowed this abuse to happen? Would this have played out the same if I were…normal?

In order to tackle this beast, I wrote letters to God. To see more on how I did this, see a previous post. https://amynordhues.com/my-therapist-sexually-abused-me-part-three-how-will-i-get-through-this/ I bantered back and forth with Him pouring out my feelings with a brutal honesty. My emotions wanted me to believe that God agreed with me, that I was a failure. That I was damaged. And that this would not have occurred had I been a normal person. These things only happen to defective ones like me.

While these lies swirled in my head, I began to speak God’s Word over me until it started to take root. It took months and a lot of conversations, but slowly, ever so slowly, I started to believe them just a little bit. Here is one of those conversations…

Speaking God’s Truth Over My Life

“The Very Best”

Father, why did you make me?!
I’m not like all the rest
You knew I’d never be good enough
Even at my best

I cannot be forgiven!
Did you see what he made me do?
Even though, Father, I…
I didn’t want to

But that doesn’t matter
Failing as I am
Speak to me, Father!
An answer, I demand!

My child, my child, I hear you
You think you’re a disgrace
But give me just a minute
Let me see that tear-stained face

These people who are telling you
Who you ought to be
Let me ask you, do these people
Do they know you as intimately as me?

Did they form you in the womb?
Every intricate part?
Child, these people who are defining you
Can they see your heart?

If you can answer yes to that
Well, perhaps this talk is done
But if the answer is actually no
Then I think it’s just begun

What I make is beautiful
Without fault and strong
So these messages you’re getting
Child, they could not be more wrong

I am angered at what he’s done
To such an innocent one as you
For his sins he will pay
My child, I am not through

For I intend to show you
Who you really are
You cannot take a blanket
And cover up a star

Your light, it is still burning
Although you cannot see
But, child, oh how I wish you knew
Just how you appear to me

You are magnificent, for
You radiate shimmering light
And for you, my precious one
I will put up quite a fight

And I won’t give up until the day
That you can look up to the skies
And see yourself as I see you
And know the rest were lies

And, child, you are correct when you say
You are not like all the rest
For you, my special daughter
I have saved the very best.

I know that my God will not give up on me and that His dream for me is to see myself as He sees me. It may not be fully possible this side of Heaven, but I will strive for it anyway because God’s Word says it is very possible. I will stay in the Word, saturating my mind with His “love notes.” They are all over the Bible. They are everywhere in nature.

Recognize the Failure and Keep On Truckin’

It was a slip, but that’s all it was. I don’t have to stay here. I can dust myself off, hold my head high, and resume walking in the light as a forgiven daughter of the King, as a victim of a horrendous crime, not as a co-conspirator in one.

I share this because these days come for all of us. And those “lies” that knock us off course are ever lurking for all of us, whatever they may be. My hope is that on those days when you slip backwards into self-hatred or blame, when you begin to barrage yourself with a litany of questions about the abuse—Why did I stay so long? How could I be so stupid? Does this happen to normal people?

My hope is that you catch yourself and simply say, oops, I’m back to believing lies from the evil one. That is not who God says I am. I will open up my Bible and read who God says I am—loved, adopted, perfect, healed, accepted, forgiven, saved…until those lies go back to where they came from. And by the way, Satan, here’s your blame back…

For additional help and support on dealing with self-blame, shame and guilt, see: https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline or see my resources page at: https://amynordhues.com/resources/

Please reach out to me through email or social media. I look forward to hearing from you! And if you haven’t already, consider signing up to follow my blog. When you do, I would love to send you a personalized photo with scripture.