What Choices Remain After Being Robbed by Sexual Abuse?

After being abused by a predatory psychiatrist in 2014, I felt like I’d lost everything. My abuser was also an elder at my church and the congregation was not told the truth about what happened so the gossip mill combined with a lack of internal support forced me out. I had to leave behind the church family I once loved. On top of that, I almost lost my marriage. My sweet, innocent children almost lost their mom. It was the only time in my life that I contemplated calling the suicide hotline. I lost friends. But worst of all, I lost my very foundation. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much is taken from survivors of sexual abuse and how much is out of our control. Although it feels as if the abuse robs us of everything, there are some things that abusers cannot steal and that remain in our control.

We Lose Our Sense of Self After Sexual Abuse

My sense of self became engulfed with self-blame and self-hatred. I’m not sure if I was more enraged at the man who harmed me or myself for somehow allowing it. I seemed to freeze every time he hurt me. I didn’t want what happened, but I didn’t leave. At least, not right away. Forgiving myself was key to healing and moving forward. Sadly, I was the last person I forgave.

We Lose Our Sense of Safety After Sexual Abuse

My sense of safety was destroyed. I will never see a therapist in the same way. I will never see a religious leader in the same way. I am much more cautious in my interactions with others. After a decade of healing, I have a better handle on that, but I will always struggle with finding that delicate balance.

We Lose Our Sense of Belonging After Sexual Abuse

My sense of belonging was already shaky due to childhood sexual abuse, and this abuse compounded that trauma. At first, I simply felt broken. I assumed I had a label on me somewhere that all abusers could spot that read “damaged goods.” I assumed that I belonged in a separate category with all the other damaged goods.
After more than ten years of healing, I do not believe that about myself anymore, but I am still searching for safe places to belong. I do know that I belong to Jesus and that is more than enough. I also belong to my sweet husband and precious children and with them my cup overflows. I have friends, but things are different now. Possibly I’m just wiser, and maybe that too is a good thing.

Choices that Remain Post Abuse

Post-abuse, what can we hold onto and what can we control? Without seeking to deny or diminish how much is taken from us, I want to provide you with the hope that we have more choices than we realize. And the more we heal, the more options become available to us.

Choices Related to Our Emotions

1. We can set the pace for our healing. Many will try to rush us, but no one gets to tell us when we should be “over it.” We are never fully over it, but that doesn’t mean we can’t move beyond it.
2. We can choose who we share our pain with. People who are not able to sit with their pain will not be able to sit with us in ours. Save yourself the heartache and find those who can. 
3. We can feel whatever we need to feel for as long as we need to feel it. Emotions are neither right nor wrong.
4. We can choose whether we stay angry. Feeling anger is natural and does not make us bad people.

Choices Related to Our Spiritual Life

5. We can be angry at God for as long as we need. He can handle it.
6. We can decide whether or not we return to church. When we are harmed by a Christian, especially a Christian who is a church leader, returning to a place of worship can feel threatening and retraumatizing. It is important to recognize that we can be Christ-followers and fellowship with other believers without stepping foot into a church building.
7. We can maintain our faith in God. We are the ones who decide to keep our faith or to give it away. Do not allow your abuser to take any more from you than he or she already has!
8. We can allow God to speak His truth into us and begin to see ourselves through His lens. I did this by writing letters to myself from God in the form of poetry. This is a powerful exercise and has brought me the most healing to date.

Choices Related to Justice

9. We can pursue justice, or we can let it go. Seeking justice is NOT the same as seeking revenge. God is a lover of justice. Just know that while pursuing justice can be empowering, it is not without its stressors.
10. We can press charges against another “Christian” and not be considered “un-Christlike.” My ex-pastor’s wife told me that it was not biblical to sue another Christian to which I replied, “He’s not Christian?!” Wearing a cross necklace does not make someone a Christian. Following Christ does.
11. We can accept that it is not our job to defend ourselves or prove our innocence. Leave your defense to attorneys or better yet to God.
12. We can report our abusers or choose not to. It is the abusers’ job to stop harming people, not the victims’ responsibility to make them stop!

Choices Related to Relationships

13. We can decide whom we deem trustworthy. I eventually sought out another therapist and had a positive, healing, and ethical experience.
14. We can walk away from unhealthy and triggering people. We don’t have to continue returning to relationships that no longer serve us!
15. We can find other survivors and realize that we are not alone.
16. We can define ourselves outside of the parameters of abuse. We no longer need to be victims. We are survivors. But even that is only one small piece of who we are. Discover all the other pieces. You might be surprised at what you find.

Choices Related to Forgiveness

17. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is more like a business transaction. It is essentially telling God, “This burden is too great for me to carry. I want to give it to you. Please show me how.” Note: We do NOT have to feel ANY positive regard for our perpetrators EVER. 
18. We can forgive our abusers, and still hold them accountable for their crimes. When pastors abuse congregants, Christians will often attempt to minimize the act by referring to it as merely a sin. Of course, it is a sin, but a sin with criminal and civil ramifications.
19. We can forgive ourselves and walk with our heads held high without shame!
20. We can tell God that we don’t know how to forgive something of this magnitude. We can also tell Him that we don’t want to forgive. If we are open to His help, He will show us a way forward. 

Choices Related to Moving Forward

21. We can educate ourselves on sexual abuse and abuse of power and understand that we were victimized.
22. We can do the hard work to be free from all shame, even the shame we’ve carried since childhood.
23. We can use our tragedy to help others.

Abuse Does Not Get the Final Say

When we stop and think about it, there are many decisions in our control after abuse. Despite our experiences, despite how deeply we have been wounded, there is hope. Regardless of what has been written on the pages of our life stories thus far, we can take the pen and change the narrative. The ending is up to us.

Healing after sexual abuse isn’t easy. It isn’t quick. But it is possible. The options of how we’ll accomplish it are limitless. And we have a powerful God to assist us with that process. Abuse robbed us of so much, but we don’t have to remain imprisoned by it. We can choose to throw down the shackles and walk towards freedom.